We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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