It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
