I cockslap morals
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She told me I should be a condom model.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
