The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
