Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Terrible idea I love it
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
