If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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