My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
