ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
