we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
