Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
if only i could text you this smell
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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