You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize