wrigley field is MILF paradise
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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