my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
