Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
