What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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