there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
