soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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