i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
areolas are like halos for boobs.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize
