hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I need to calm my uterus...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
