Who wears a wallet chain?!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Randomize
