Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
