Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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