Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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