Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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