The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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