Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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