Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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