Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
