I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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