I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
