A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
