oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Randomize
