A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
