Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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