Don't make out with my wife yet
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
