I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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