I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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