jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She's like a pop up book from hell.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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