I can feel you judging me through the phone.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
