he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
