Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
