There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
