Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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