I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I cockslap morals
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
