Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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