My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
