Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
