The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
