They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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