my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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