Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize