my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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