You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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