Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
