ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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