You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
