new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
