farters have to be the big spoon...
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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