I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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