I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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