Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
