hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
