My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
